Ending it, but being upset

[Kitten]

A friend of mine made the decision to finally leave her abusive partner. She's incredibly upset about her failed relationship, though, and even though she was always unhappy, she seems even more unhappy now that it's ending. How can I help without just saying "it's for the best"?

[mollyL]

I think that alot of people stay with an abusive partner because it fills a need in them; that they "protected" by a strong partner, that they feel they deserve abuse and this partner fills the bill, etc. So your friend has left this guy, but she's also left alot of feelings that in some way were a comfort for her. She needs some immediate counseling, perhaps even some medication, IMO.

[Serenity]

Originally Posted by Kitten

A friend of mine made the decision to finally leave her abusive partner. She's incredibly upset about her failed relationship, though, and even though she was always unhappy, she seems even more unhappy now that it's ending. How can I help without just saying "it's for the best"?

No relationship ends without some kind of emotional upheaval, even when it's for the best. Your friend will see that eventually but it takes time. Right now she's probably scared of what the future holds and guilt-ridden about leaving, however unjustified that guilt is. People grieve when relationships fail and they reflect on the "if only" or "should have been" or " did I do the right thing" type thoughts a lot at the start but that will ease.

Right now the best thing you can do is let her talk when she needs to, without judgment, and let her be alone when she doesn't want to. Be of practical help to her- help her find a place to stay, a job, help with kids if she has them. Try think about what's weighing on her mind most and ways to alleviate that. One day the feelings will change to ones of relief that she got out of it. It won't happen overnight but it will.

[Serenity]

Originally Posted by mollyL

I think that alot of people stay with an abusive partner because it fills a need in them; that they "protected" by a strong partner, that they feel they deserve abuse and this partner fills the bill, etc. So your friend has left this guy, but she's also left alot of feelings that in some way were a comfort for her. She needs some immediate counseling, perhaps even some medication, IMO.

You make some valid points there, mollyL. I'm not sure what the need would be that's being filled and if that's really the case but what can happen is the person gets brainwashed by the abusive person into believing they're worthless or useless or whatever. They hear it so much and so often, they start thinking it's true when it's not and think they couldn't survive on their own without the person. They become convinced they really are deserving of it because these people destroy any vestige of self-esteem they have by constantly chipping away at them.

It takes a huge amount of courage to break that cycle and leave and I admire anyone that had the guts to do it. You're right, counselling and/or meds would definitely be a step in the right direction.

[tater03]

The only thing you can really do is just be there for her. This is a big step she is taking and hopefully she will find it within herself to realize that the pain will go away after awhile.

[Taggart]

Originally Posted by tater03

The only thing you can really do is just be there for her. This is a big step she is taking and hopefully she will find it within herself to realize that the pain will go away after awhile.

I think this is great advice. It's probably hard to be more specific from a brief description.

Hopefully both partners are ready for the separation, especially the abusive one.

[katharina]

Originally Posted by tater03

The only thing you can really do is just be there for her. This is a big step she is taking and hopefully she will find it within herself to realize that the pain will go away after awhile.

I think this is the key, too... and be there in case she starts "rewriting history" and goes into the mode where she thinks things weren't as bad as they were, or starts thinking that she could "fix" things by going back.

[Kitten]

It's been almost two months and she still seems pretty upset by it all. I really hope she starts seeing that it was for the best because I don't want her trying to go back.

[mollyL]

Two months might not seem like a long time for her; keep up with everything you've been doing, so far it's working.

[anthonynelson]

It was best thing to happen. How can your friend stay with a abusive partner? It might have turned into a tragic incident had any situation went out of hand.