5 years divorsed and still a tortured soul

[mamzou]

Summer is over and Christmas is coming. 15 years together and 4 kids later he cheated on me with a 24 year old, it's been 5 years now and he has a new girl friend. The kids always spend Christmas eve and morning with him and the inlaws, I didn't think it was fair to make them stay with me since he has the whole family to share the evening with and I am pretty much by my self. Ya dancing around the Christmas tree with mom and the neighbours cat when they can be with 20 relatives instead, it's a no brainer. Then I didn't want them on the roads late Christmas eve with all the drunk drivers so that brings us to Chritsmas day, by the time they get up and everything its noon before they get here and I somehow manage not to kill my self with the horrible horrible neglected lonliness and cheated feelings I have during this awful unbearable 24 hours . Now the new girlfriend will be there too, in my place spending Christmas with my 4 kids while I am alone. And I am a nice person, I do not deserve this. So why did he leave me? Well I know now that he never loved me but I was too in love, stupid or whatever too realise it then, probably did not want to admit it though I must have known the truth deep down. A little scenario of from the beginning ... We had been together for a year, and just settled down into our apt and I was newly pregnant, and we were receiving our first official guests for supper. I was getting things ready in the kitchen and asked him if he could cut the bread, he was talking with our guests and either didn't hear me or choose to ignore me, I asked again a few minutes later and again no answer, the third time he got mad and said to the guests ''is she a pain in the ass or what'' ok that sounds funny he is french and said ''elle est tu fatigante elle'' well he might as well have stabbed me in the heart, I was in shock and did not know how to react, cry in front of the company? leave right now when we had just started, and the baby with no father? no no he was right I was being a pain, its my fault, I can cut the bread its no big deal, what was I thinking asking him 3 times couldn't I see he was busy talking.

Wow was I ever stupid and I continued to be till the day he cheated on me and left (well I told him leave after 3 torturous months). There are so many hurtful abusive stories, 15 years of them. None of them physical abuse but always phycologic, verbal, demeaning. These things do not heal. And now he is happy with a probably nice girlfriend and I am living a tortured exsistance where is the karma? How do I get through yet another Christmas? I am on the verge telling my kids they have to choose, I cannot do that to them but I can not bear sharing them anymore, it is killing me, don't they see my pain don't they care. By the way they are aged 14 to 19 now. I can not live with out them. The oldest moved in with her father after grad, to be closer to college, to get away from her squabbling brothers or something. She rarely visits all of this makes me think I must be a bad person after all. I tell myself he's the cool parent, he has friends and family and money no wonder she'd rather be with him.

[bobkerry]

this is really shocking for me....one thing which is here really important is to be happy..if you are happy and contended then i am sure you will live a happy and contended life....be happy and stay happy

[ironmike]

You're beating yourself up. You have to move on with your life.

He clearly moved on with his. And he's happy. So why aren't you doing the same? Go out and have fun. Meet some new people and make your life happy again.

Unless your like me. Often, I prefer to be alone. But you seem to enjoy the company of others. It sounds like you're jealous of him and want what he has. Why? Who cares what he's up to. Go take care of yourself. Go treat yourself to a good life. You have to make that happen. You can't be worried so much about what others are doing. That's their job. Take care of yourself first.

As far as the kids go, they'll want to be around you if you are happy and full of life. Kids don't want to be around people who are are giving off negative energy.

Start a new life. Put yourself first. You're the priority here. Not him. Quit letting everyone else occupy your mind.

Lead the way.

[mamzou]

Ok jealousy is kinda besides the point here. It's easy to say and easy to agree with but I'm not sure that's the real problem. I am damaged, he damaged me, easy for him to get on with his life, he doesn't have a conscience.

He is like a little boy who got a bike for his birthday but didn't get the one he wanted, he used it anyway cuz it's all he had but he did not treat it nicely, he left it in the rain, let it get rusy, scratched the paint with rocks, left it to get run over by a car, then one day he finally got the bike he wanted and threw the other in the garbage. He does not deserve to have another bike.

As for me I would like nothing more than to never see or here from him again, just that would help enormously, I do not want to know a single thing about him, but that is kinda hard when we share 4 kids. I just see his truck through the window when he comes to pick up the kids and I am screwed up for the whole weekend. I really regret not moving to the other side of the country with the kids 5 years ago. As for:

''Go out and have fun. Meet some new people and make your life happy again.''

that just isn't happening, all of my attempts have not gotten me anywhere, maybe I don't know how or maybe just no one wants to be my friend, there are people like that you know, maybe I'm one of them.