Depressed partner - What to do?

[Tasseomancy]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year. He has been living with me for the past 3 months. We both suffer from depression but we deal with it in different ways. I was counseled for it throughout my teens, so I have ways of coping and understand the nature of depression. He wasn't counseled, and doesn't seem to be willing to try it. He sees his depression as a symptom of the fact that his life is falling apart (which in actuality, it's not). He won't try medication and feels like any sort of alternative method of healing won't work.

I'm not sure what to do, as I feel like lately his depression has been getting worse.

When he wakes up in the morning, he starts his day by telling me about how his life feels like it's over. He tells me that he wants to kill himself on an almost daily basis. I listen to him and am understanding and try to talk to him about the reality of his situation and give him advice, but he doesn't seem to hear it or take it to heart. I'm so afraid to leave him alone. I'm afraid that one day I'll come home and find him dead, or that he will go out and not come back.

For the most part, I feel like I am being patient and understanding, but when I'm also experiencing anxiety and depression, it's really difficult. I've asked him to seek out counseling because finding someone to talk to outside of your circle of friends is a great idea, but he just won't do it. He regrets nearly everything in his life. He is unhappy with his job, his financial situation, and the fact that he feels like he has accomplished nothing. In actuality, it's not true. He's an incredible and talented person, but he cannot see past the way he's feeling. I've tried to offer him nearly every solution I can think of, but he will not accept any of them. He feels like life is over and that is that.

He feels like he can't be alone, yet it seems like he is isolating himself from nearly everyone. He can't physically isolate himself from me since we live together, but mentally and emotionally, it seems like he is withdrawing from our relationship. However, he says he cares and that he still wants to be with me.

It puts a lot of pressure on me because I want to make sure that he is safe, so I don't want to leave him alone. I can't explain this to him because I don't want to make him feel more guilty than he already feels.

Sometimes I reach my wits end and explain to him that it would be more helpful for him to be active in his approach to coping with the way he feels, but he interprets that as me not wanting to hear about how he feels and then states that he feels like he has no one to talk to about anything.

I understand how he feels. I also realize that it's not my fault that he feels like this, but I'm not entirely sure what to do. I've been taking time for myself as much as I can but feel guilty when I do, because sometimes I need a lot of time alone and become worried that it's making him feel more alone. I feel like I've tried everything. I love him so much and want to support him as much as I can, but I don't know what else I can do.

Sorry this is so long. I hope I gave enough background info....

Any advice people could give would be so very appreciated.

-A

[defect]

I truly feel your concerns. Currently, in my situation, I am in your boyfriends shoes, and my mom is you.
First, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 6, and have been living with it since then, with both happy times and bad. I was counselled very little as a kid, and only went on medication after I started cutting myself. The past few years have been the worst though, as I have developed narcolepsy and hypersomnia. This has truly created new lows for my mental health.
My mom tried her best to be supportive, but she is not, and neither are you, a mental health professional. You cannot do this on your own. Yes, you might not want your boyfriend to feel more guilt, but he needs professional help. Codependent behaviour in this situation is extremely unhealthy for both of you and will only get worse. If he is completely resistant to seeing a professional for help, then go yourself. Offer to go with him. Some communities have counsellors that will come over to your house. He tell you he wants to kill himself. What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed?
Try to step outside yourself for a moment and view things from a less personally involved perspective. What advise would you offer to someone if they asked for your opinion? You know what needs to be done, it is hard, but there are professionals to speak with that will help you carve out a plan, as well as get yourself the help you need to be the healthy support you want to be for him. Either way, whether you, or he gets help or not, it will have to get a little (or a lot) worse before it gets better.
And it's worth it.
Don't go it alone.