my problems in a nut shell...

[torim]

I guess I just need a place to vent, I don't know if there is any help for me.
I realize everyone has problems, so I try to push everything to the side. That's what I've been doing since I was a child...
I never thought these things effected me that much, but suddenly, I had a few months of reoccurring dreams...dreams of tidal waves.... now, I have periods of severe mood swings. It's like all of the emotion that I had buried for so long is finding little ways to get out.
I can be sitting there doing nothing and the next minute I'm crying, angry, I don't know if I want to punch something or cry...I get anxious and try to blame these feelings on anything, even the stupidest thing (mostly my poor boyfriend, but thank GOD he knows I don't mean it, and I can't control it...he is so understanding and loving)
Logically I know nothing has happened to make me upset, but I just can't stop.
after I've calmed down I feel so depressed, and extreme guilt for everything that's just happened. I feel like I've gone crazy.

I will fill you in on some of the things that I have never really delt with, I didn't think they really effected me..
i feel as though i had a happy childhood for the most part, but my mother did have a severe gambling problem. i saw all of my parents fights, and heard my mother crying often. i heard her talk about divorce and suicide to her friends on the phone. i would sit in the car for sometimes hours while my mother played the machines....i have memories of her picking me up from school with our suitcases in the back seat.
she eventually sought counseling. they told her the reason she gambles is because of my dad, it's an escape for her.
my dad isn't a HORRIBLE man, but he is an angry man. we would go literally weeks without talking, because all he ever did was yell. we would pass each other in the hall and not talk. so, i guess you could say i had no relationship with him at all growing up, he was just there, that's all.

i am 24 years old now, and my mother and i are very close. although she had this problem , she did everything she could to make me happy. she loves me very much and i adore her. i am not putting her down, she is a very loving, nurturing woman, she just has problems...

so, she has had a few slips. all of which have broken my heart....i used to lay in bed with her before i fell asleep, and i remember in grade 10, i asked her whats wrong, and she told me she was gambling again. i cried and left the room...and i never laid in bed with her again.

recently there was another bit where she slipped, although she says she hasnt touched them since.... but how do i know she's telling the truth?
i always wonder where she is if she's not home.
i guess i have lost trust in my mother, and never had a father to trust.

anyway.... i'll skip the rest of that, to the next subject.... my mother has been having an affair with a man she is in love with, for 7 years. i saw them hug one day in highschool, and i just knew. but the thing is... i know this man. her, myself and this man all work together. he is fantastic! he has been more of a father to me than my real dad. he helps me out with problems and gives me hugs and kisses. and my mother loves him deeply, and he adores my mother....the thing is, she will never leave dad, and he would never leave his wife. (he has two young sons)
it's so complicated...
anyway...
last year, my mother discovered she has herpes. she came to my house as soon as she found out and we both cried. she hasnt been having sex with my dad for years...so we know it came from the other man, although he says he doesn't have it. anyway that is a very complicated issue, i guess what i'm trying to say is, now my mother has herpes, from the man we both love, and it is a huge secret. dad cant find out.

so many secrets that i have been carrying....
i guess i just needed to vent because i cant talk to anyone about this...
all i know is i am slowly starting to feel sadder and sadder every day....
the amount of guilt that i have when it comes to my mother is crushing....

[Ambe]

Hi Torim! I can see you’re really hurting over your mom’s situation. It’s hard to see a family member trying to overcome an addiction. I know for myself, I have to stop and think of whose problem it is. Your mother has put you in a position where you seem to be the mother and she’s the child. It is not fair to you and these problems are “hers” not yours. Seeing a therapist or minister would be a good way to start setting healthy boundaries between you, your mom and the man she is having the affair with. Seeing a therapist will also help to deal with your dad. I know I had lots of childhood issues and it is only with a counselor that I was able to look back at my younger years and think of the good memories. Finally, after accepting that my mother had an illness, could I forgive her. In fact, now that I am older and I look in the mirror I see my “mother’s” reflection and I feel proud that I am her daughter (she has been deceased for over 10 years).

You may want to see your doctor about your mood swings as well.

Take care
Ambe

[suzan]

Hello Torim, you are not crazy! The results of your feelings and actions are a reflection of what you are thinking about. Your body will react to your thoughts and you CAN control that as long as you realize that your moods are thought provoked. Like you, I also had difficulty growing up with family members and as a result I had anxiety disorder and depression for 10 years. But I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with you, your just being human. you care, therefore your taking on responsibities that you have no control over. It sounds to me that you are a caring, loving person who desperately wants to help others. Just remember that problems that others may have, are looking for answers themselves, sometimes they are not ready to take the step and deny that they have a serious problem. Everyone has there own life path, whether it is good or bad and it is in there interest to find help and in due time they will. In order for anyone to get help, they need to realize they have a problem. I don't know if this will help but try this website of which I made for anxiety and depression [url]www.crossroadsofthemind.yolasite.com[/url], The actions that your mom has done are her actions and with you being there for her is wonderful. Your mother is lucky to have a daughter like you. You can help by finding resources through you doctor or therapist. There are people out there that can help.


good luck

Suzan

[jeredruth]

Originally Posted by torim

I guess I just need a place to vent, I don't know if there is any help for me.
I realize everyone has problems, so I try to push everything to the side. That's what I've been doing since I was a child...
I never thought these things effected me that much, but suddenly, I had a few months of reoccurring dreams...dreams of tidal waves.... now, I have periods of severe mood swings. It's like all of the emotion that I had buried for so long is finding little ways to get out.
I can be sitting there doing nothing and the next minute I'm crying, angry, I don't know if I want to punch something or cry...I get anxious and try to blame these feelings on anything, even the stupidest thing (mostly my poor boyfriend, but thank GOD he knows I don't mean it, and I can't control it...he is so understanding and loving)
Logically I know nothing has happened to make me upset, but I just can't stop.
after I've calmed down I feel so depressed, and extreme guilt for everything that's just happened. I feel like I've gone crazy.

I will fill you in on some of the things that I have never really delt with, I didn't think they really effected me..
i feel as though i had a happy childhood for the most part, but my mother did have a severe gambling problem. i saw all of my parents fights, and heard my mother crying often. i heard her talk about divorce and suicide to her friends on the phone. i would sit in the car for sometimes hours while my mother played the machines....i have memories of her picking me up from school with our suitcases in the back seat.
she eventually sought counseling. they told her the reason she gambles is because of my dad, it's an escape for her.
my dad isn't a HORRIBLE man, but he is an angry man. we would go literally weeks without talking, because all he ever did was yell. we would pass each other in the hall and not talk. so, i guess you could say i had no relationship with him at all growing up, he was just there, that's all.

i am 24 years old now, and my mother and i are very close. although she had this problem , she did everything she could to make me happy. she loves me very much and i adore her. i am not putting her down, she is a very loving, nurturing woman, she just has problems...

so, she has had a few slips. all of which have broken my heart....i used to lay in bed with her before i fell asleep, and i remember in grade 10, i asked her whats wrong, and she told me she was gambling again. i cried and left the room...and i never laid in bed with her again.

recently there was another bit where she slipped, although she says she hasnt touched them since.... but how do i know she's telling the truth?
i always wonder where she is if she's not home.
i guess i have lost trust in my mother, and never had a father to trust.

anyway.... i'll skip the rest of that, to the next subject.... my mother has been having an affair with a man she is in love with, for 7 years. i saw them hug one day in highschool, and i just knew. but the thing is... i know this man. her, myself and this man all work together. he is fantastic! he has been more of a father to me than my real dad. he helps me out with problems and gives me hugs and kisses. and my mother loves him deeply, and he adores my mother....the thing is, she will never leave dad, and he would never leave his wife. (he has two young sons)
it's so complicated...
anyway...
last year, my mother discovered she has herpes. she came to my house as soon as she found out and we both cried. she hasnt been having sex with my dad for years...so we know it came from the other man, although he says he doesn't have it. anyway that is a very complicated issue, i guess what i'm trying to say is, now my mother has herpes, from the man we both love, and it is a huge secret. dad cant find out.

so many secrets that i have been carrying....
i guess i just needed to vent because i cant talk to anyone about this...
all i know is i am slowly starting to feel sadder and sadder every day....
the amount of guilt that i have when it comes to my mother is crushing....

Torim, Hi,
I read your writing. I see you in myself and I see you in my own daughters. Please believe that you are not alone. I am not sure if seeing a doctor or therapist will help you, but I am sure that you are not alone with your feelings! I imagine that your father is an unhappy man and has many unresolved resentments in his own life. Your mother chose to deal with her own unhappiness her way. It seems obvious that she did not ever intend to act in a way that would hurt you, but she did (and perhaps does) act in a way to punish herself for something she may not even understand.
True, 'functional', solid, happy, well rounded families really don't exist! It always amazes me that society thinks it does, and expects it to. The real 'us', want so badly to have that perfect family with the perfect memories and the perfect outcomes. Life is not that way for anyone.
You have such anxiety in you and you must come to terms with the issues that have formed this anxiety in the very fabric of 'you'. You have no real animosity issues toward your father because there is nothing known to you of him that put any picture in your mind that you can use to act on. Your mother's gambling issues put a picture in your mind; something you can identify with when frustrations mount regarding her.
Your mother has gotten into a relationship with a man you both adore, but an std has put a real spin on this. Your mother's boyfriend may not realize he has herpes. What I know about this condition is that outbreaks occur when there is stress. This is something between your mother and her boyfriend. If there is no relationship between your mother and your father, yet they live under the same roof, I would be surprised. That aside, you have taken on this problem your mother has and this has added to your own anxiety. There are things you can do to help yourself with these feelings...
You say you have a very warm, understanding boyfriend. Perhaps you can sit down with him and a few sheets of paper. Make a list of everything in your world that triggers frustration, confusion and anger. After you finish the list, put an 'X' beside the issues that you can do nothing about. (Maybe they are passed and therefore cannot be undone or changed.) Put a star beside the issues that you can change - either about yourself or the way you perceive others. Put a check-mark beside the issues you simply do not understand, or don't want to understand.
Now, you have to be open-minded and understanding. Your boyfriend may be able to help you identify problems -- but beware -- you may be surprised at just how much he reveals about himself now! Remember, he will want to help you, not make you feel worse. Try not to get confused while he points things out to you. He is your friend as well as your lover.
I hope that you can get through some of these troubles that are wreaking havoc on your heart, body and mind. Watch your diet and be fit. When frustration mounts, take a walk. Plant a flower. Pet a puppy. Say a prayer. Draw a picture. As a matter of fact, while you are making your list, draw a picture of yourself as a child, in your home. Draw one of yourself now, with your mom, with your father, with your mom and her boyfriend, with your boyfriend. Compare them. See what you discover that way too.
I know my response is long and maybe not even right for you. It's just that I have struggled with many of my own issues. My youngest daughter is your age and is going through the same things you are it seems. She also has an understanding boyfriend... or maybe he just has his own stuff and lets it all fall off his back. I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace within yourself so that you can go on without the load you carry. Take care of yourself. You deserve that.
Jeredruth