How do you deal with the unknown?

[sixwheeler]

Hello,

I am new here and am unsure about what to say or how to say it, so I will start with a description of who I was up to who I am today.

In November 2008 I was your typical married, overweight, overworked, father of 2. I was working what had become my dream job for the dream company. It took many years of searching to get to where I was. Life was going better than ever at that point. Then in December 2008 I started having back pain, I saw the doctor but they said it was muscle pain. Take pills and rest...haha...by 14th December I was using a cane to walk as my legs were getting weaker. Hospital did x-rays and some tests and they determined I had 5 herniated disks...solution..see spine clinic and they will help. I finally got in to see the spine clinic on February 27 2009 but at this point I could barely walk and needed assistance from family or friends and using a walker.

The Neuro Surgeon who saw me at the clinic said...its herniated disk issue and physiotherapy would fix me up. Well guess what on March 12th I was rushed to the hospital due to incontinence and more pain in the lower back. Less than 24 hours later I could no longer walk. I lost the use of my legs and all feeling from the belly button down. They tried to do an MRI but since I am clausterphobic and weighed nearly 400lbs they could not scan me. More due to my phobia then the weight.

So I spent 5 weeks at the hospital then 3 months in rehab to learn how to live with my new body. The doctors still did not know what I had and were guessing. They tried to give me pills to relax me to try an MRI but to no avail. What they should have done was knock me out then scan me but no...they would not try it. So here I am 20 months later with still no MRI. I moved away from Toronto to Montreal to be followed by one of the best Neurological teams in the country at one of the best Neurological institutes in the country. So I hope things improve in the future but that doesn't change the fact that I am depressed now and its hard to hope for the future.

Due to this ( thing...for simplicity i'll call it an illness ) I have lost my job, do not have support from my family in Ontario, I moved here without my wife and kids as we needed to separate so that we could both try to find love in life again. I feel like my life has been taken away. I know I made to choice to move to Montreal but if I hadn't it surely would have been the end of my marriage and the end of what little hope and sanity I had. I may seem greedy and inconsiderate for putting myself before my wife and kids...but what good am I to anyone dead.

I have thought of suicide and thought I was past that stage but here I am again thinking that riding in front of a bus, taking an overdose of sleeping pills or going off the peer into the St. Laurence river might be a good option. I am conflicted as I don't want to give up hope but I feel like I am trying to swim uphill in a river of Molasses.

Where do I go from here...how do I cope....How do I deal with the unknown?
If anyone can provide some answers or advise, it would be appreciated. I'll give it another week and see what people suggest.

Thanks for letting me vent and explain.

sixwheeler